Quietening the Self and some musings on Varanasi

It is only when I am away from home, from Dubai, do I realise just how much I love this place. Going home, Varanasi, is never easy for me. I was born and brought up there, I have my family there and yet as far back as I can remember, I was an uneasy 'Benarsi". They say you are born Benarsi, you either are or you aren't. I am certain of being the latter type. I have no shame in admitting that, honestly! Contrary to what most people believe, I find Varanasi extremely disturbing, emotionaly, physically and most importantly, spiritually.  As a little girl, I remember, feeling restless, a strange sense of detachment towards my birth place. I just never connected it seems. When grown ups would ask me, 'what do you want to be when you become a big girl?', my answer without fail would be, I want to leave this place.... I do have memories of a happy childhood, my entire family and friends surrounding me, I had everything to nourish me and yet they  knew I was straining to simply 'get away'. 

I now lead a quiet, sedate life in Dubai, with my husband and child. It is extremely calm and peaceful, my life that is. My parents are still there. Every year, twice a year, I go back to see them. That is all. I go to see my parents and  if they were not there, I would simply stop my visits. And for some favourite aunts and cousins. For now, when I do go back, the reality is even more stark. I am convinced it is also because of my own spiritual evolution. Since I found Christ, Varanasi disturbs me to my very core. It shakes me up. There is no light. There is no love. Only a deep,unfathomable darkness, mindless yet palpable. The moment I land there, is one of deep anxiety. Which stays with me throughout my stay. I live like a recluse. Refusing to step out, relatives and friends graciously come to see me instead. And for that I am grateful. But the city has nothing to offer, it only drains me. I come back, tired, shaken up and almost physically sick each time. I don't try and analyse it too much for I know, my home here, is waiting for me. Nourishing my house after the weeks of my absence and neglect is what restores me, slowly. I walk around the house, touching everything, remembering my life here, the peace I find here...and let the healing begin, untill next time I have to go back. 

Here are a few pictures which are like a balm to my weary heart. These are little corners in my house, simple and yet restorative for my frazzled soul. This air helps me to grab back whatever I seem to lose in Varanasi. These help me shake off the very dust and air which clings to me in Varanasi...cooking for my guys, gardening, re-connecting as a mommy and wife, reforming the gentle rhythms of my daily life. I strive to absorb some peace from my surroundings, especially my house. 

This is my tiny world, gentle and reassuring. May my soul always be quiet and still as the Bible says. Amen! 

Linking up to Patty's Weekly Story I have been away too long, let me join the party! :)